


The Path I Fear to Tread

by roane



Series: Requiem for a Monster [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Ghosts, Huddling For Warmth, Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Light Masochism, Mind Games, Not Quite Hate Sex Anymore, Plotty, Stranded, Submissive Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-18 15:46:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5933896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roane/pseuds/roane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stealing a TIE fighter, as it turned out, was about as easy as Poe had made it sound. Once Rey managed to get into the cockpit, at least. When she'd told him about her plan to get captured, Poe had tried to talk her out of it, but he'd given her the information she'd needed, and more importantly, he'd kept her plans from Finn and Luke and everyone else.</p><p>The good news was, everything had gone almost exactly as planned, and she wasn't alone in the stolen TIE fighter. She'd convinced Ben to leave with her.</p><p>The bad news was, that last lucky shot from the star destroyer had cost them most of their fuel. They'd made it into hyperspace, but it was going to be a short jump.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Into the Sea of Waking Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Picks up immediately after the end of [We Were Born Sick](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5844085) and readable as a standalone. Rey and Kylo Ren (or is it Ben now?) have escaped the First Order in a stolen TIE fighter after he defied Snoke and punched out Hux to keep her alive.

Stealing a TIE fighter, as it turned out, was about as easy as Poe had made it sound. Once Rey managed to get into the cockpit, at least. When she'd told him about her plan to get captured, Poe had tried to talk her out of it, but he'd given her the information she'd needed, and more importantly, he'd kept her plans from Finn and Luke and almost everyone else.

The good news was, everything had gone almost exactly as planned, and she wasn't alone in the stolen TIE fighter. She'd convinced Ben to leave with her.

The bad news was, that last lucky shot from the star destroyer had cost them most of their fuel. They'd made it into hyperspace, but it was going to be a short jump.

She focused on getting the console to stop screaming at her, finding the problems where she could and shutting down the alarms. 

"How far is 'not far'?" Ben spoke from behind her.

"What?"

"You said we couldn't jump far, where are we going?"

Rey rechecked the coordinates. "I aimed for the farthest system we could get to. We should reach the Horuset system in about an hour. There's only one planet in the system, but we should—"

"Moraband. You're taking us to _Moraband_?" 

"You know it?"

"We can't go there." Ben was agitated, twisting in his seat to look at her. "There's got to be somewhere else."

"There's not. And even if there were, by the time we get there we'll be low enough on fuel we'll be lucky if I don't have to crash land us." The console finally stopped sounding its alarms as Rey managed to put out the last of the (thankfully proverbial) fires.

"Rey, we can't."

"What's there?"

"Nothing. There's _nothing_ there."

"Then why are you afraid?"

"I'm not afraid." Ben was lying; she didn't even need to peer into his mind to see it. "But there's literally nothing there. It's been abandoned for years."

He wasn't afraid of an empty planet; there was something he wasn't telling her. 

"There's nothing for it now. It's there or nowhere." Rey reached back and he took her hand. "Whatever's there, we'll face it. We just have to survive long enough for the Resistance to come get us."

He squeezed her hand, but said nothing about the Resistance.

"Get some rest. Sleep if you can," she said. Both of them were already running on dregs of energy, and if they were going to face whatever awaited them on Moraband, they needed all of the energy they could get.

He didn't let go of her hand, but soon she heard his breathing start to even out, either in sleep or meditation. Rey sighed. Now that she'd gotten this far, she wasn't sure what came next. 

It was obvious that he was starting to win the struggle against the Dark Side. However unorthodox their relationship was, receiving pain at her hands gave him focus, a clear mind. Some of it came from a strong feeling of guilt, that much she had sensed early on. But some of it was just who he was. 

As to what their relationship was… Rey didn't have any answers there, and she was under no delusions. Attraction and passion were one thing, but until she knew who he really was—and honestly, until _he_ really knew who he was—anything else was just speculation.

Rey closed her eyes and leaned her head back in the pilot's seat. 

She must have fallen asleep. The beep of the hyperspace computer woke her up and she opened her eyes to see the stars re-blur into place around them. Moraband lay ahead of them, and even from here it looked dark and desolate.

Rey started shivering uncontrollably, cold and uncomfortable for no reason she could name. 

"Rey, I'm begging you. If there's any way to get us to another planet, do it." Ben's voice was strained. 

"There's not. I'm sorry." She wished it were otherwise. As they broke through the red atmosphere of Moraband, Rey wished she were anywhere but here.

The sensors showed her mountain range after mountain range, no clear and easy landing spot to be had. Winds buffeted the little TIE fighter as she looked for a feasible place.

"Head north," Ben said. "There's a clearing not far from where we are."

She took the heading he suggested. "You've been here before." 

"Yeah. I've been here before." 

She didn't know it was possible to make five words sound so desolate.

"Hang on," she told him. "This might be a little rough." 

"Rough" was an understatement. The winds fought her the whole way down, and with the low fuel situation, she had no reserves to try any fancy maneuvers to avoid them. Still, it wasn't a crash landing. Barely. 

Rey checked the computers once the ship stopped shifting. "Air's breathable. Gravity's a little heavy, but okay. It's cold." 

Ben was digging around in the compartment. "TIE fighters usually have an emergency survival kit—ah, here it is. Pop the hatch so I can have some room." When she did, he pulled a large bundle from beneath his seat. "Shelter, some emergency rations."

"Hopefully we won't be here that long. I just need to get a signal out."

He gave her a dubious look. "Well in case. We should be good for a few days if we don't eat much."

"That's nothing new." Rey climbed down out of the cockpit and landed with a thud on the ground. It was definitely cold. The ship's computer said they were landing just before sundown, but the light was already dim. Everything was red, except where it shaded to black: the mountains, the sky, the dirt beneath her feet. 

The skin on the back of her neck crawled as if they were being watched. "Are you sure this place is empty?"

Ben came around the side of the TIE fighter, lugging the survival pack. "As empty as this place ever is."

Rey looked around, her hand resting on the stolen blaster at her waist. "Do you feel that?"

He sighed and shoved his hair back from his face. "Yeah. I feel it."

"What is it?" At first she thought he wasn't going to answer her. He started walking toward a more sheltered corner of the valley. She ran to catch up and caught his arm, spinning him around. "Answer me. What do you know about this place?"

He dropped the kit and glowered down at her. "I know that if you go about five klicks that way," he pointed, "you'll reach a place called the Valley of the Dark Lords." The smile he gave her was cold and unfriendly. "And inside that valley, you'll find a temple where the Sith used to sacrifice the Jedi." She let go of his arm and took a step back, but this time he grabbed her. "In other words, I don't think you could have picked a worse planet to strand us on."

"Let go of me." She snatched her arm back, rubbing at it. "You could have told me."

"I tried. I said not to come here." He crouched and started opening up the pack.

"Are you thinking about sacrificing me?"

He kept working, not looking up. "I'm not a Sith. And you're _definitely_ not a Jedi. Yet."

"How do you know so much about this place then? Why were you here?" It wasn't worth the time to argue with him about whether or not she was a Jedi.

He refused to say anything else about it, but set about making camp. When she tried to help, he didn't refuse, and they quickly had the small shelter put up. And it was small, meant for one pilot, not a pilot and a gunner. 

"We're going to be cozy," Rey said, as neutrally as she could.

"I suppose now you're afraid to touch me, since neither of us is locked up." He straightened up from where he'd been going through the rations. 

It sounded like a challenge to her. She stepped over to him and grabbed a handful of his shirt, pulling him down. Her intention was to give him a bruising, biting kiss, but somewhere along the way something shifted, and it was a gentler kiss than she meant. "I'm not afraid of you."

"Are you sure?" His eyes were dark in the dimming evening light, and the red ambient hue of the valley gave him a sinister air. 

Fear didn't describe how she felt. Anger was closer, perhaps. Anger was easier here, as if it swirled around in the atmosphere they were breathing. Rey was seized with the urge to hurt him, to make him pay for trying to intimidate her. The fact that he would enjoy it made it even more tempting. 

All of the control she'd learned during the months after the fall of D'Qar was threatening to crumble around her. She would not hurt him out of anger, especially not here in this place of darkness. But—a demonstration wouldn't hurt. 

She smiled up into his face and said gently, "Ben, get on your knees."

She watched the struggle play across his face for a long moment before he sank to his knees in front of her. "Good," she murmured, and took a step closer to him. His shoulders tensed as if anticipating a blow. Instead, she kissed him on the forehead. "I am not afraid of you, Ben Solo. Not here, not anywhere."

"You should be." He didn't say it as a threat, more like a warning. 

"You're not that scary." _Anymore_ , she didn't add. "Now, figure out what we're going to eat for dinner. I'm going to go see how far I can get with the transponder on the ship."

Once she'd climbed into the safety of the cockpit she thumped her head against the console. Whatever was happening on this planet, she needed to keep her wits about her. No distractions. And that most definitely included him.

"He's right you know," said a familiar and impossible voice behind her. "You should be afraid of him. Look what he did to me."

Rey slowly turned around to see Han Solo in the gunner's seat, bent around it to look at her. The hole that Kylo Ren had put through his chest was there, still smoldering horribly. 

"Trust me, kid. If he'd do this to his own father, how much worse will he do to you?" 

"You're not real." Rey felt the shakes start in her hands. 

Han reached up and tapped the ceiling of the ship, and she heard the sound. "Sounds pretty real to me." He reached that same hand out toward her and she flinched back. "I know," he said with a grin that almost looked like the one she remembered. "Being dead has taken some getting used to."

"But—how—"

"In a galaxy where my brother-in-law talks to his dead father, I learned to stop asking questions." Han fixed her with a serious look. "I meant what I said. Don't trust him. Especially not here. There are influences in this place you can't begin to understand. And he's not exactly been forthcoming about what he did here before, has he?"

"He will be. I'll ask him."

Han sighed, and this time when he reached for her, she didn't flinch. His hand was warm on her shoulder. "Just be careful. He won't go back to the Resistance without a fight. He will do anything to stay free." He looked old and sad, and perfectly alive, if she didn't look at his chest. "I know you have feelings for him, Rey. Don't let them blind you to who he really is."

Rey looked out of the cockpit to where Ben was still setting up their camp, doing something with the rations. She knew who he really was, she was sure of it. She turned back to tell his father so, but Han was gone.

Had she imagined the whole thing? No, the faint and sickening scent of the smoking wound lingered in the close air of the cockpit. It had been real.

Rey shook her head to clear it and got to work recoding the transponder. 

Or tried. She hadn't gotten very far figuring it out when Ben called her to dinner. Too much had happened on not enough rest, plus she was still aching from the beating General Hux had given her. She winced as she climbed out of the cockpit and walked the short distance to their camp. The only light came from a small lamp, just enough to keep them from tripping over anything.

"I didn't want to risk a fire. The less attention we attract the better." Ben handed her a mug of something warm and she cupped her hands around it before taking a sip. 

"I thought you said this planet was deserted."

"No people, still other things."

"That's reassuring." Other things, like ghosts? Whatever was in the mug was heavy and a little savory, a soup maybe. Not bad, but she was used to living on rations.

He picked up his own mug and sat down on a storage crate. There was another one near him, so she sat there. "It's going to get a lot colder soon," he said. "There's a portable heat unit in the shelter, but we should hold off using it if we can. I don't know how long it'll be good for."

"Colder? Great." Rey made a face. Neither of them were dressed for cold weather. 

"It's better during the day." It was nearly dark, but she could still see the outline of his face. He looked off into the distance, toward the valley he spoke of.

"How long ago were you here?" Rey casually finished her dinner, as if she were just making conversation.

"Three years. Four?" He shook his head. "It's a blur."

"Did you train here?" She tried to ask as if she didn't care about the answer, even as she extended her awareness to his body language, his heartbeat, whether or not his hands were clammy.

"I told you. I'm not Sith." He stood up and rooted through the storage crate he'd been sitting on. "The Supreme Leader has a different path, a better path. A stronger—" Then he stopped, in the middle of wiping out his mug. "I'm not talking about this."

"Ben—"

"Get out of my head!" He threw the mug down, but the durable thing just bounced.

"I'm not in your head."

"Yes you are, you always are." He paced back and forth, hands clenching and unclenching. "I can't get rid of you. You've been nothing but trouble ever since I met you. And you're—you're—" He stopped pacing, and whirled to face her. _"Why don't you hate me?"_

Agitation was bleeding off of him and she felt it, trying to sink into her as well. Rey took a deep breath, let it out, aware that he was staring hard at her, waiting for an answer. Wanting her to shout back at him.

"I did, once." She fought to keep her voice even and calm. "And then I saw you. I saw _you_ , when we were on D'Qar." She stood up and took three steps toward him. "The real question is, Ben, why do you want me to hate you?"

"Because the alternative scares the hell out of me." As soon as he said it, he looked as if he wanted to take the words back. They looked at one another wordlessly, then he turned away and stalked toward the shelter. "Take the first watch," he said. "Wake me when it's my turn." He ducked into the shelter, tall enough that he needed to crouch to get through the entrance.

She tried to give him the space he was looking for, tried to stay outside and keep watch, but he was right, the night got colder. Cold enough that she expected to see snow start falling. After a few hours, she'd had enough. To hell with this and to hell with his stupid pride. Her Force-awareness extended far enough that she didn't need to sit out here and freeze just to keep an eye on things. 

He was still awake, sitting cross-legged on the narrow bedroll with his eyes closed. It was much warmer inside the rigid walls of the shelter, but he still had a blanket draped around him and she hated him a little for that. "That wasn't a very long watch," he said without opening his eyes. 

"I'm n-n-not done w-w-w-watching." Now that she was out of the wind, her teeth started chattering. The shelter was almost tall enough for her stand up, but not quite, so she stood in an awkward half-crouch.

He opened his eyes then and looked at her. "You're cold."

Rey laughed. "Someone's in here stealing all the b-blankets."

Ben sighed and scooted over on the bedroll. "Come here. I'll share."

Rey sat down next to him and watched as he awkwardly tried to drape the blanket over her shoulders without touching her. He was _warm_ , and he was being ridiculous. She scooted as close to him as she could, pressing against his side and putting her arms around his waist. He tensed and she couldn't resist rolling her eyes.

"You've literally been inside me, body and mind, do you really want me to not hug you?"

"It's not..." He trailed off and muttered something she couldn't quite make out before wrapping his arms around her with the blanket. Her shivering slowly went away as she got warmer, her head tucked against his shoulder. It wasn't just the cold that he drove off. Ever since they'd landed on Moraband it felt like a dark, oppressive hand was hovering just above her head, ready to snatch her away from everything she cared about, everything she was fighting for. 

Here and now, some of that darkness lifted. He made it easier to remember who she was. 

They didn't talk, and for once the silence was oddly companionable. 

Ben cleared his throat. "We'd, uh, probably be warmer under all of the blankets." He paused. "Unless you'd rather I go sleep in the ship. I could do that."

"Don't be stupid. You'd freeze, and so would I." Rey stood up and started undressing, determined not to be self-conscious. That was difficult when she realized he was staring at her. "We'll be warmer this way," she said defensively.

"No, I know." He was looking at the healing pattern of bruises across her midsection, courtesy of the First Order. "I'm sorry."

"I'm okay."

Thankfully, he looked away and followed suit without arguing. They kept not looking at each other as they stripped down to the barest of essentials and climbed into the bedroll. 

It, like the shelter, was originally intended for a single survivor. They were forced to lie belly-to-belly to fit, but Rey didn't mind. Practically naked in each other's arms, physical response was inevitable. She just didn't expect it would be hers.

Her heart beat in her throat and she fought the urge to run her hands up his broad back, acutely aware of his chest inches from her face. She closed her eyes. She should just try to go to sleep.

"Rey?" His voice was tight. 

Curious, she tilted her head up to look. "Hm?"

She didn't expect to find him watching her so intently, his eyes moving over her face as if he hadn't memorized it yet and wanted to. His _eyes_. She'd never seen eyes like his, dark but reflective. And she didn't expect those eyes to slide closed as he leaned closer to her. It was no surprise that she met him halfway. 

The kiss was as heated as the space between them, slow and intent enough to make her toes curl with delight. He tipped her onto her back and followed with her, covering her body with his. She gave him the freedom of her body in a way she hadn't before. Instead of focusing on giving him anything, or taking anything from him, she let him give to her. 

He pulled away the remaining scraps of her clothing, his mouth following after his hands. With his mouth and tongue on her breast he paused long enough to look up at her and the naked need on his face stole her breath away. "Rey." She'd never heard her name spoken that way before, didn't even have the words to describe what she was hearing. "Please. Hurt me just a little."

It was a simple thing to tangle her fingers in his hair and tug while his mouth moved over her belly, feeling him groan against her skin. Simple to let the fingernails of her other hand bite into his shoulder as he dipped lower still. Simple to trail a finger of energy over his mind, faintly brushing over the pain centers of his brain while his tongue slipped between her legs until both of them were shaking with sensation. 

There was no darkness here, safe within this tiny shelter, no matter how much she made him writhe in delicious agony. She let him crawl up her body and take her, although it was almost an afterthought to what they were already sharing. Almost. With her hand wrapped around the back of his neck, she made him look at her. 

"Ben."

He closed his eyes. "No, don't."

"Yes. You are." - _Look at me_.

- _I can't. I can't be him. It's too late._

His hips moved faster now, as if he were trying to escape deeper within her. 

"Look at me."

Ben's eyes flew open, overbright and shining wet. "I can't."

"You can," she murmured. "You're almost there."

He buried his face against her neck and bucked against her over and over, his mouth pressed hard and hot to her skin. She could feel his pleasure, could feel her own, feel it shared back and forth between their bodies and that strange, elusive connection in their minds. She could feel how hard he was running from the truth and how close it was to him. 

They cried out together, caught in the same moment where everything stood still until he collapsed in her arms. She stroked his back until his breathing stilled and his heart stopped racing against her chest. 

He didn't speak, but rolled onto his side, arranging her in his arms so he was tangled around her. They should sleep, although it occurred to her that, aside from that short nap in the cockpit, they'd never slept side by side before. It was a little unnerving. 

As she felt him relax behind her, she reached out with the Force, doing a sweep of the perimeter around the shelter, and finding nothing there, let herself relax as well.

 _Don't trust him_ , echoed the ghostly voice of Han Solo.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow she'd press him harder on what he'd done on this world before, and she'd find a way to get them out of here.

Rey closed her eyes.


	2. Where My Demons Hide

He jerked awake out of the vague redness of a nightmare to find the space next to him empty. The details of the nightmare didn't matter, but he struggled to remember them anyway as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

It was no good. Besides, they were stranded on Moraband; that was nightmare enough. 

He got up and pulled his clothes on, noting that Rey had turned on the small heater in the shelter before she'd left it, to keep him warm after she left the bed they'd shared. 

He turned it off. _Rey_. Just thinking the name was enough to throw him into turmoil. 

He pushed out of the shelter, closing it up behind him. Rey was in the ship, her head bent over the console. She looked up, perhaps sensing him, and waved at him. Something like a smile crossed his face and he waved back. 

She beckoned for him to come over, and then disappeared, only to reappear a moment later with her head poking out of the hatch. "I think I've got a signal going!" she called. "I managed to set up a standard Resistance distress call."

"Great." He tried to smile. 

"It will probably take at least a few days for them to respond." She climbed down from the ship, talking as she came. "Even if they pick up the call right away, there's no telling how far we are from another outpost." She turned around all smiles and hugged him. "We're going home!"

His smile was pasted on and if she were paying the slightest bit of attention, she'd see past it. So he had a few days of freedom left, unless he could find a way to convince their rescuers to let him go, to drop him off somewhere other than the Resistance main base. The likelihood of convincing Rey to leave with him looked ever smaller.

_Unless…_ there might still be supplies left in the temple valley. Maybe even fuel. If they could get off this planet themselves, his options would open up considerably. 

"So we have a few days to wait," he said, and this time his smile morphed into something warmer, more real. "Looks like we have some time to kill."

Rey grinned up at him, her hands moving to his hips. "You look like you have some ideas how to spend it."

He kissed her absently on the forehead. "I do, actually. Want to go exploring?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Are you serious? To someplace called the 'Valley of the Dark Lords'?"

"Why not? Any Dark Lords there have been dead for probably centuries." He couldn't resist goading her a little bit. "Are you afraid?"

"I'm not afraid of the dead." She lifted her chin, rising to the challenge. "All right. You said five klicks that way?" Rey started in that direction.

"Wait!" He laughed, surprising himself with the sound. "It's rough terrain, so it'll probably take us a couple hours. We should take some supplies, in case."

It didn't take long, and they started out along the valley floor. He wasn't sure why he didn't just tell her the real reason for the trip. Maybe the less he said about his time here before the better.

_But seeing the temple as it was now… she'll notice…_ He shoved the thought away and kept walking. The sky lightened as they walked, from a dull red to a dull salmon color, and it got as warm as it ever got on Moraband: warm enough that he felt a trickle of sweat down his back from exertion, but cool enough that Rey, still the desert child, kept her jacket on and rubbed her hands together. 

They reached the outskirts of the Valley within two hours. He knew they were getting close from the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach. The Dark Side was strong here—no that was an understatement. It was as if the Dark Side had made its home—if it could have a home—right here in this one particular valley on this one particular planet. 

Rey's footsteps got closer, and she looked back at him with an uncertain expression. She felt it too—he'd've been surprised if she didn't. 

"Maybe this wasn't such a great idea," she said. 

"We're almost there. Come on." He took over the lead, without looking to make sure she was following.

He rounded a corner and the sound of a slow, rasping mechanical breathing met his ears. He wasn't alone. Automatically, his hand went to the lightsaber at his side and had it out and ignited before anything else registered.

"Good, good." Standing in front of him was the man that once—even a month ago—he would have given anything to see in person. Darth Vader looked as he was at the time of his death, pale and unmasked, but otherwise in the black robes he was known for. "I see there is still some strength in you yet, Kylo Ren."

"Grandfather." It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Vader the name was wrong, it was Ben. "How are you _here_?" He lowered the lightsaber.

"By rights I should have been buried here, in the Valley of the Dark Lords," Vader said. "Had not my son interfered." His pale skin looked almost pink in the reddish Moraband light, and his scars winked wetly from his face. 

"I—I never thought I would see you." After a moment's hesitation, he powered down the lightsaber.

"Here, in this place, where the Dark Side of the Force is strongest, I am able to manifest to you. But I am always with you. I have always been with you."

"I knew that, somehow." It was awe that he felt, in front of this man he'd worshiped for so long. He'd _felt_ Darth Vader's presence with him at all the difficult moments of his life, and to get confirmation of that faith now...

Vader's eyes were sad and tired; they were Luke's eyes, when Luke was disappointed in him about yet another failing he'd displayed. "You are in grave danger, my child."

"I know." 

"You do not know!" Vader's voice was a seething, mechanical growl that made Ben take a step back. "Your fall from the Dark is nearly complete and you are too blind to see it."

Ben's—no, Kylo Ren's—heart thudded sickly in his chest. 

"The Jedi girl is leading you into a trap, and you walk right into it, holding her hand."

"Rey? But she's not—she wouldn't—" Wouldn't she though? He thought of the way she'd captured him on Coruscant—considered it not from the perspective of a lover, but from that of a warrior. She hated him. She'd thought him a monster once. Why should that have changed?

"You begin to see the truth," Darth Vader said. "You have let your feelings for her make you weak instead of strong."

"But passion is our source of strength," he began weakly.

" _Passion_ is." Vader sneered at him. "Not these weak, softer emotions."

"Ben?" Rey's voice came to him from over the ridge. "Where are you?"

"Your mistress is calling you." His grandfather was already stepping back into the shadows. "Will you obey her call?"

Ben turned to see where she was, and when he looked back, Darth Vader was gone.

Rey appeared around the ridge. "There you are." She looked at him. "Are you all right? You're pale." She smiled. "Well, paler than usual."

"I'm fine. It's just over this next hill." 

She took his hand, and he didn't pull away. In truth, he didn't mind the reassurance. That was exactly the sort of weakness Grandfather had meant, and he knew it. 

The temple loomed over the top of the hill before they hit the summit, black and imposing against the red sky.

"That's it, isn't it?" Rey was whispering.

"Yes." He whispered too, although he wasn't sure why.

When they reached the top of the hill overlooking the Valley of the Dark Lords, Rey gasped and pulled him down to the ground with her.

"What?"

"It's not deserted," she hissed.

He lifted his head, already thinking he'd know what he'd see. When the First Order had abandoned Moraband, they'd left in a hurry. She was probably just seeing some of the old supplies that were left behind—

No. Those were newer model speeder bikes sitting outside of the temple, next to a medium-sized freighter. The First Order had just started using that model of speeder the prior year.

It really _wasn't_ deserted. 

"We have to get out of here," he whispered. "Get back to camp, hide. They'll do flyovers of the area, if they haven't already."

"If they had already, we'd be dead," Rey said grimly. She didn't move.

"Let's _go_." He tugged at her arm. 

"No, not until I know how many there are. If there aren't many, maybe we could take them."

" _Take_ them? Are you mad? There's just the two of us."

"Hardly seems fair to them, does it?" There was a mad light in her eyes that, despite everything, made him want to kiss her.

"Rey, they'll be in constant contact with the First Order. The second they stop responding, this place will be crawling." That was true; he wasn't lying to her. But he wasn't sure he was ready to raise a weapon against the First Order, either. He wasn't sure he _could_.

"They've got supplies though," she said. "And a shuttle."

"A shuttle that won't get very far with a star destroyer chasing after it." 

"Shh." Rey lifted her head cautiously. "Look, there they are."

Half a dozen stormtroopers came out the temple, two of them pushing empty grav-loaders. They march into the small freighter's cargo bay, and even at this distance, they can hear the troopers moving cargo around, loading it onto the grav-loaders.

"They're unloading." Rey looked over at him. "What are they doing here?"

"I—I don't know." 

Snoke had abandoned his plans for Moraband years ago. Hadn't he? _Maybe he's been lying to you all this time. Maybe Han Solo was right. You're expendable._

"Are you telling me the truth?" 

"If I wasn't, I'd hardly admit that now, would I?" he snapped. "Now can we get out of here, please, before they discover us?"

Rey waited a bit longer, until the crew reappeared. The crates were sealed, with no obvious indicators of what was inside. "All right. Let's go."

They crept back down the hill and hurried back to their camp. Thanks to the heavier gravity, by the time they got there, both of them were out of breath. "We've got to get the ship out of sight," he said while they recovered. "And the shelter."

"The shelter, fine, we can move that, but the ship isn't going anywhere." Rey straightened and wiped her brow, having finally broken a sweat. "I don't think it's even got enough fuel for me to fire the engines, and we sure can't push it."

"I thought you said you'd been training," he said. 

She blinked once she realized what he meant. "Small rocks! BB-8 once, nothing this big."

He couldn't help feeling just a little bit superior. "You never heard the X-wing story, did you."

Rey shook her head. "Are you saying you can move it?"

In all honesty, he wasn't one hundred percent sure he could. His control over objects was uneven at the best of times. "We can do it together. There's a good spot over there," he pointed across the valley. "It'll at least be less visible from the air."

She still looked dubious. "It's too big."

"It's not. You're not lifting it, the Force is. Come on." He held out his hand. After a moment, she took it.

There was a moment where she was not in his mind, but _beside_ it, then the feeling of something slamming home hard as they lifted their free hands in unison toward the TIE fighter. Ben felt like he was trying to control the power of a star destroyer with the controls of a speeder bike. _Rey_. Her raw strength was beyond his wildest imaginings. He thought he'd seen it before now, but he'd had no idea. 

At first the TIE fighter shot straight up into the sky, too high by about fifteen meters. He took a breath and squeezed Rey's hand, and then brought it back down. With her providing the raw power and him providing the guidance, they maneuvered the craft exactly where they wanted it. As with any sort of piloting, the landing was the hard part. The landing struts hit the ground with a little more force than he'd planned, but they held.

The two of them stood still and silent, looking at the ship they'd moved. Rey was the first to react, letting out a little whoop before throwing her arms around his neck. His arms were around her before he could think about it, lifting her off the ground. 

"How did you do that?" she asked. "That level of control, I could _feel_ you steering the ship."

He put her back on her feet and drew away. "I've been training a lot longer than you have." As for that, he'd trained with _Luke_ longer than she'd been training with him. He tried to turn toward the shelter to prep it for its move, but she caught his hand. 

"Can you teach me?"

He froze. Slowly, he took his hand back and kept his breathing steady. "I seem to remember making that offer once, and you nearly killed me."

"To be fair, you were trying to kill me at the time too."

"I wasn't, you know I wasn't."

"I know that now," she said. "I didn't know it then."

"Come on, we need to get the shelter moved." He hadn't answered her question, and right now, he wasn't sure he _had_ an answer.

They found an overhang where the shelter fit, keeping it mostly concealed from any flyovers. While he finished the last of the moving, Rey checked in the ship to see if there'd been a response to their signal yet.

It was nearly dark by then, and he got out rations for dinner. While he worked, he remembered what Darth Vader had said. About Rey leading him into a trap. He'd thought that as long as he could goad Rey into hurting him, he'd have a chance to bring her to the Dark Side with him. And at first, that had seemed to work. She'd been so angry on board the _Finalizer_ , and had come at him with that anger in her heart. But here, here in the darkest of places, that anger seemed to have vanished.

Even as accomplished as he was at deception, he couldn't tell himself anymore that what he felt for Rey was just passion. Before he'd seen her as an object to be claimed, an enemy to defeat, but the trap she _had_ caught him in was more potentially lethal than anything the Resistance might have planned for him. 

She made him want to be better. Maybe even if being better meant he had to die for what he'd done. 

_Grandfather, I thought I'd understood. If you're here with me, help me._

Rey was his weakness. Snoke had known it. Hux had known it. He bet even his mother and uncle had known it—why else send her in to interrogate him? His face grew hot as he remembered how easily he'd given her information. 

To figure out his path, he needed a clear, calm mind, and the irony was, there was only one way he was going to find that here on Moraband.

In the interest of staying warm and staying hidden, they took their rations into the shelter and ate dinner in companionable silence. There'd been no response to their signal yet. Rey insisted that it was encoded well enough that the First Order wouldn't be able to find it. He hoped she was right.

He realized, as they sat there eating, that he had no real idea how to make a deliberate attempt at seduction without making her angry first. 

"Do you know how many nights I thought about that time on D'Qar, when you had the knife…" he finally said as they were cleaning up their utensils.

"Quite a few, I'd imagine." Rey didn't look his way, but he could see a grin pulling at the corner of her mouth. 

He took the dishes out of her hands and turned her around to face him, putting his arms around her. "Would you do it again if I asked?"

"Maybe." Her eyes danced mischievously. "Would you beg?"

"Maybe." His heart beat hard in his chest. Playfulness was new. He wasn't sure how to proceed. "Would you do it tonight?"

Rey laughed at him and eased away. "No, I wouldn't."

That wasn't the answer he was expecting. 

"We're on a strange planet," she said, pulling him toward the pile of blankets, "with who knows what sort of strange microorganisms floating around. Plus, there's a group of people who'd probably like to kill us about five klicks from here. I'm not _injuring_ you when there's a chance we're going to have to fight." She pushed him down, and followed after, straddling his hips. "But…"

"But?" 

She pulled her hair down from the single braid she'd been wearing all day and when she leaned over him, it fell in a thick curtain around them. "But you know I don't have to hurt you to make you hurt."

It wasn't quite the same, it lacked the clean edge that physical harm caused, but perhaps it would do. He tugged at her hair until she came down and kissed him. "Make me hurt then," he murmured against her mouth. 

_Let this weakness make me strong, and let me find the right way to go_.

He closed his eyes as Rey reached into his mind and delicious agony followed.


	3. A Candle to Guide Me

Rey lay in the pile of blankets, her eyes open in the darkness. Beside her, Ben's breathing was soft and steady in sleep. She knew it was sleep; she could feel the edges of his dreams. His forehead creased and he made a soft unhappy sound. 

For whatever reason, he'd come to her earlier looking for some sort of peace. He didn't say as much, but she knew. She felt the quiet hum in his mind that sometimes happened when they were together and she was hurting him in just the right way. It felt the way hers did when her meditations were particularly successful. And every time they were together, her awareness of his mind only got stronger. 

He was hiding something. Beyond not telling her what he did on Moraband before—although she thought he was as shocked to see the First Order here as she was. No, there was something else. 

_He's planning to get away from the Resistance, you know he is_. Deep down, it was hard for her to blame him for that. _He wants you to go with him_. That was no surprise either. 

What surprised her was how tempting the idea was. To run away from all the newfound responsibilities that awaited her with the Resistance. From the burden of being the sole heir to the Jedi (although Luke promised her there would be others soon), of being a symbol of hope when all she wanted to do was just be herself. 

Although… if Ben came back with her, if he could demonstrate to the others that he'd really changed… maybe she wouldn't have to bear that burden alone.

As if overhearing her thoughts, Ben twitched in his sleep, muttering something. His fear washed to her like a wave lapping at her feet. Carefully, she crawled out of the makeshift bed and leaned down to kiss his forehead gently, reaching in to soothe his mind as she did. His muscles relaxed and his breathing evened out again.

Rey turned the heating unit on to make up for her absence, and stole one of the blankets before heading out of the shelter. 

The night was bitterly cold and damp. Even in the darkness, the sky overhead was dull, dark red, like old blood. Rey hurried to the TIE fighter, climbing in to get out of the wind. 

There was a response waiting to her distress call. 

Poe's voice came over the speakers, giving his call ident. "I hope that's you, kiddo. A scout passed on the distress call to us. We've got your location—how the _hell_ did you wind up out there? We'll be monitoring for a response. Should be there within two days. Stay safe."

She reached for the comm to reply, when the voice behind her spoke.

"So you've got two days to decide," Han Solo said, and Rey jumped. "And so does he."

"Look, why don't you talk to _him_ about this?" she said testily. 

"You know he won't speak to me." The ghost of Han Solo sounded sad, and she turned around. He looked as he had before, wounded and unchanged. "Even when I was alive, our relationship was… well. I wasn't the best father. Even now, he's not sorry that he killed me. He's just sorry that you were there to see it."

"Why does that matter?"

"He thinks he's in love with you."

After Luke's warning, that wasn't a total surprise, but it was still unsettling to hear it stated so baldly. Hearing it seemed to require some sort of answer from her, and she didn't have an answer to give.

"It's a lie of course," Han continued. "He's not capable of love, not anymore. But it's a lie he believes. He'll keep believing it right up until you're the one between him and what he really wants. He might still believe it even then, and he'll cry as he kills you, still convinced he's making a sacrifice to do the right thing."

"I just—" Rey bundled the blanket around her tighter. "I can't believe that."

"Tell him that the Resistance is coming," Han said, leaning closer to her. "Tell him they'll be here tomorrow. Watch what he does. He'll change his tune about attacking the First Order here. He'll tell you that it's what you need to do."

"He was terrified of them."

"He'll want to take their ship. If you tell him no, watch his reaction."

"He's not going to kill me." Still, a cold chill crept up the back of her neck. Had he cried when he'd killed his father?

"If he has to in order to escape the Resistance, he will. Be careful, Rey." And then as before, he faded from her sight.

Rey pulled her knees up in the pilot seat, wrapping the blanket around as much of her body as possible, her head resting against her knees. She just needed to get them off this horrible planet. Then she could start to make sense of things again. 

She reached for the comms.

Several moments after she gave her ident, she heard Poe's voice. "Am I glad to hear from you! You owe me, Rey. Finn damn near skinned me alive when he found out I knew what you were planning."

She couldn't help but smile. "Why'd you tell him, then?"

After the deep space delay, the signal traveling light years from her, his laugh sounded. "He can be very persuasive."

"Ew. That's enough of that." She punched some buttons on the console. "Listen, I just sent you our exact coordinates on the planet, but there's been a complication." She told him about the First Order ships nearby.

"You said 'our'." Poe's response came a few minutes later. "He's with you? He left them?"

She tried to figure out the best way to respond. Finally she said, "We got out together. They were going to kill both of us." Rey wasn't one hundred percent certain the First Order would have killed him, but…

"Thanks for the warning. Be careful, and I'll see you in a couple days."

They signed off. 

Rey sat in the cockpit for a long time after, hoping to eventually feel sleepy. She was almost on her way to light doze, when the entrance to the shelter opened and Ben stormed out, wearing just his pants and his weapon belt. His chest heaved with his breath as he looked around frantically. He wouldn't see her if she waved, so she climbed out of the cockpit. 

Ben met her halfway between, and grabbed her by the shoulders. "I thought something had happened." He pulled her into his arms. "Don't scare me like that."

_He thinks he's in love with you_.

Rey closed her eyes and returned the hug. "I couldn't sleep. I heard from Poe. They're on the way to get us." She paused, then carefully said, "They could be here as early as tomorrow."

"Come back to bed, you'll freeze." He steered her back toward the shelter. 

There. Han was wrong. He didn't seem troubled at all.

He didn't seem troubled when he pulled her back to their bed, kissing her until they were both warm, more than warm. His enormous hands running down her body, parting her legs, sliding between them while she reached for him. They were so careful with one another. How could a touch be so absurdly gentle and make her want to scream at the same time?

She took him without any pain this time, only with kisses as she straddled his body, watching the way his eyes closed when she took him in. "Look at me," she murmured. Not a command, a plea.

Something inside her felt like it might shatter at the look in his eyes. This was _Ben_. His father was wrong. There was no way he could ever hurt her, not when he could look at her like that. 

But why, when he kissed her afterwards as he withdrew, did it feel like goodbye?

She managed to get a little bit of sleep finally. When she awoke it was full light and she was alone. 

Rey found him not far from the shelter, moving through a series of forms and exercises with his lightsaber. The moves were different from what she was used to, not just the forms themselves, but the sheer _effort_ it seemed to take to move the jagged red blade. Even with the effort, he was faster than her, faster than Luke. It was a miracle he hadn't killed both Finn and her.

Or maybe not a miracle. She understood that a little better now. He would have killed Finn—maybe thought he _had_ killed Finn, but not her. Watching how fast he moved, she wondered if she could stop him even now, if he decided to fight her for real. Maybe she wouldn't have to find out. Probably she wouldn't.

He stopped when he spotted her, wiping the sweat from his forehead despite the chill in the air. "You're finally awake," he teased with a smile. "I was starting to wonder."

"It's not that late," she protested. He powered down his weapon and she walked to him. 

"So today's the day." Ben tucked the lightsaber onto his belt.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Listen, I had a thought." He turned to face her, an earnest look on his face. "If anybody tries to land a ship near here, all hell is going to break loose. Especially if they're IDed as a Resistance ship."

"Yeah, I warned them about the First Order."

"But what if you were right, and we took them out? I think we could. They don't know we're here. We'd hit them before they knew what was happening. We could take their shuttle and meet your people in orbit. They wouldn't even have to land on this hellhole." His eyes gleamed and he reached out to take her hand. "Don't you want to see what we're capable of together? After yesterday?"

_He'll want to take their ship. If you tell him no, watch his reaction._

"What good would it do? We'd stand a better chance trying to fight them with a ship backing us up."

"It would be so easy for us to take it. You wanted to yesterday."

"That was before I knew help was only a few hours away. It's a foolish risk to take right now and you know it."

"We _need_ that shuttle," Ben said—was it Ben? 

"Why do we need it, Ben?" Her voice was soft, calm.

"I told you." He turned away, his hand raking through his over-long hair. "That way they won't have to land here. You remember how rough the winds were on the way down, it's dangerous."

"We had a rough landing because we were out of fuel," Rey pointed out. "And besides, Poe Dameron is a better pilot than I'll ever be."

She got a glimpse of the sneer on his face when she mentioned Poe's name, then it was gone. "After everything, you still want to run," she said. "Where are you going to go? Do you think the First Order is going to take you back now?"

"No. No one wants me now." He sounded so desolate, hopeless. "The best I can hope for is to find a place no one knows me and try to start over."

"The best you can hope for is to go home to your _family_. You still have a mother—"

"Who hates me. I killed her husband."

"I don't think she hates you. I think she's frightened for her son." 

"Frightened of me, you mean. If you think I'm a monster, what would she think of me?" He stepped closer, looming over her. He was trying to be frightening, but all she could feel was pity.

She looked up at him. "I don't think you're a monster anymore. I would have thought last night proved it."

He tried to glower at her, but he was the one who looked away first. "Rey, if you don't help me, I'll go up against them myself. I swear I will. Don't get in my way."

Han was right—he wanted to steal a ship and run, and wanted it enough to fight her for it.

"Ben…"

"I mean it. Be ready in ten minutes, or I'm going alone. And if you try to stop me, you'll regret it."

He turned around and stalked off.


	4. My Heart is Sick of Being in Chains

There were extra charges for the blasters and some thermal detonators in the TIE fighter's stores, and Ben planned to gather as many of both as he could. 

His threat as he walked away was an entirely empty one, and she probably knew that. He could never hurt her, not now—if he ever could have. Maybe it was just as well she didn't go with him. Even with Rey's help, he was probably going on a suicide mission. But he had to try.

This was his last chance. If he didn't get out now, the Resistance would put him in a cage for the rest of his life.

He wasn't surprised, as he rounded the corner where the ship was hidden, to see his grandfather waiting for him. 

"If you are going to escape, it has to be today," Vader said. "The First Order squadron is on a skeleton crew right now. Convince the girl and the two of you could destroy them."

"She's not going to go," he said. "It's just me. I'm going alone."

"You would risk your life, when you could easily sway her? Do you think she would do the same for you?"

"I'm not so sure she's easily swayed anymore. And I think she already has risked her life, more than once." Something niggled in the back of Ben's brain. Something about this was off. "You want me to get to away, why does it matter if she helps me or not?"

"I want her to show you her true allegiance."

"I already know that. It doesn't matter." Even as he said it, he knew it was the truth. Rey would always put the Resistance ahead of him. It was one of the things that he… loved about her.

"Love is weakness," Vader hissed, reading his thoughts. "I see now the only way you can ever rid yourself of it. Your Supreme Leader was wise."

Silence, but for the sound of Vader's breathing.

"Kill the girl. Kill her and I'll help you escape."

"No." 

If a ghost could look surprised, this one did. "But I can make sure you go free."

"You, of all people." Ben stood taller, took a step toward the ghost. "You left behind everything you'd ever known, betrayed your allies, killed them, all because you thought it would save the woman you loved."

"And it didn't," Vader's ghost said. "She died, but not before giving birth to two weak, insipid children."

"My mother is many things, but weak is not one of them." Ben shook his head and laughed. "You know, every time Luke told us the story about how his father died, that he'd died as Anakin Skywalker, turning back to the Light, I always thought he was lying. Even as a little kid. I thought that it was just a pretty ending to an ugly story, that it was too easy. I get it now. It wasn't easy. Simple, but not easy."

"He did lie to you, everyone has always lied to you—"

"No. He told me the truth about my grandfather, and I didn't want to see it. I see it now. And _you're not him_."

The ghost's form dissolved. Vader disappeared, leaving behind the black, looming form of a giant snake. "The girl doesn't love you."

The words stung, and Ben knew they weren't a lie. "Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she never will. And even if she did, I'll never deserve it. But that's not going to stop me from trying to anyway."

"Weak-minded fools, both of you—"

" _No_." Ben thought of the power he'd felt when the two of them had moved the TIE fighter. And suddenly it all made sense. "You know we're not, and that's why you've been trying to drive a wedge between us. Because you're _scared_. Scared of a couple of half-trained Jedi."

"You're no Jedi," Not Vader—just another lost shade of Moraband—sneered.

"I'm not, because I threw that away. I may never be again. But Rey is. And that's why everything on the Dark Side wants her dead. You've lost. We're going to escape here—even if we're not together."

"We'll see." The ghost, whatever it had been, vanished.

Ben climbed in the TIE fighter and gathered all the weaponry he could find, stashing it in pockets and a satchel. While he worked, he tried to think of a plan. Yesterday there'd been at least half a dozen troopers. If the ghost was telling the truth, there would be fewer today—but that was a big if. He felt confident that he could take on six stormtroopers easily if he were armored, but his armor was back on the _Finalizer_. Plus, he needed to find a way to take them out without damaging the shuttle, and before one of them had a chance to raise the alarm to whatever ships were floating in Moraband's orbit. 

If he had time, he'd monitor them, get a feel for their schedule, figure out when they were the most inattentive, but there was no time. He had to attack now and hope for the best.

He climbed out of the TIE fighter and came back to the clearing where he'd left Rey. 

She was waiting for him, with her lightsaber in her hand. "I can't let you do this."

"Rey, I don't want to fight you." He didn't reach for a weapon, but held up his hands. "Just let me go. I won't bother the Resistance again, I swear."

"No." Her stance was stronger, cleaner than it had been on Starkiller. Of course it would be, now she had training—but not nearly as much training as him. And this time he wasn't injured. "I can't do that. If you fail, they'll come right here looking for me, and if you succeed, then I'll have failed in my mission. I can't let you go a second time."

"Your mission. All of this…" he gestured between them, "was just for a _mission_?" She might not love him, but that he couldn't believe.

Her shoulders slumped for the barest second before falling back into her stance. "No, not all of it. But I promised to bring you home. I promised your mother."

He understood then that no matter where he went, General Leia Organa was going to keep sending people after him. Was it a need for revenge that drove her, or something else? "So you're going to try to kill me to get me there?"

"No! I don't want to hurt you, but you—" Her stance wavered again. She really needed to work on that, if she ever wound up in a more dangerous situation. "You're going to try to kill me."

"Rey." Ben kept his hands up and his voice soft. "Which one of us is holding a weapon right now?"

"But you…"

The answer came to him. "Who did you see, Rey? Who's been talking to you here?"

"What? I don't—"

"I saw my grandfather," he said. "Darth Vader. He kept telling me I couldn't trust you. Who did you see?"

Horror dawned on Rey's face. "...your father, but I thought—"

"We each saw the one dead person we would trust without question." 

"He said you would kill me."

"And Darth Vader tried to convince me that I needed to. But it wasn't him. And it wasn't my father. It's this place, it wants us apart. It wants us dead." He risked taking a step closer. 

"He said you loved me." Her hands shook, and she looked pale.

Ben took another step. He was within striking distance now, if she decided to. "Sometimes the best way to lie is to include some truth." 

Rey blinked up at him, but said nothing.

Carefully he reached out and covered her hands on the saber's hilt, hitting the button that powered it down. She didn't resist when he took it from her hand and reattached it to her belt.

Finally she spoke. "I was… glad to see him. No, not glad. Comforted. I didn't want to believe him, but he kept telling me these awful things..."

"You're more powerful than anyone I've ever seen." He stepped back again, needing to put some space between them. If he was going to leave, he couldn't do it when she was close enough to touch. "The things that dwell here, they sense it too. They're afraid of you."

"Of you too, I think that… _thing_ wanted me to kill you too."

He shrugged that off. "Either way, we both need to get out of here. The sooner the better."

Before she could reply, a screaming roar split the quiet of the valley, followed by a volley of blaster fire.

Ben acted fastest, leaping forward and pulling Rey to the ground as a TIE fighter made a strafing run overhead. Their TIE fighter, the one they'd tried to hide, exploded, the shock wave washing over them in a heated blast of air. As the fighter overhead started to turn for another run, he leapt to his feet and grabbed Rey's hand. She followed his lead, and the two of them sprinted for the nearest rock cover.

They made it behind the rocks as the TIE fighter came around again, and there was the sound of another explosion. Rey peered up over the rocks. "Well there goes our shelter. Do you think they know who we are?"

"I don't know, but that pilot has to know _where_ we are, and that's bad enough." He crept toward a crevice between the rocks behind them. "Come on, we have to move."

"We can't go too far, this is where Poe is going to pick us up!"

He didn't argue with her about her use of the word "us"; it wasn't time for that. "We can keep checking back here, but for now we have to hide."

"Where are we going to go?"

"There's bound to be some caves back in the rocks somewhere. We'll find one."

The TIE fighter circled around a few times trying to get a visual on them. Ben tried to remember the scanning and tracking capabilities of the craft. Likely not enough to track them amid so much rock. Tracking wasn't what a TIE fighter was for. 

"We're going to freeze." Rey took the lead, climbing over the rocks with startling agility. "Everything we had was in that shelter."

"It'll be fine. You said Dameron should be here today, so we'll just have to hide for a few hours and—"

Rey turned around, biting her lower lip. "It… might be longer than that."

"What do you mean?"

"Han—I mean, whatever that thing was—told me to say that rescue was coming today. To see what you'd do. He said you'd do exactly what you did—plan to steal a ship."

"So it was a test, and I failed." Ben rubbed his forehead, fighting the urge to throw something. "You lied to me."

"Oh, like you've never lied to me!"

"We don't have time for this, we've got to find somewhere to hide overnight." He pushed past her and started climbing again. "When is Dameron really supposed to get here?"

"Maybe tomorrow."

They could survive without food or water that long, easy, but Rey was right. They had to find some way to keep warm or they'd risk dying of exposure. Not for the first time, Ben cursed the slow, plodding methodical training Luke had favored. He might have learned something useful for their particular situation otherwise.

"Ben, I'm sorry."

He waved her off. "Later." 

The TIE fighter made several circuits overhead, but never slowed or swooped down for a closer look. They traveled in silence for about a half an hour before they spotted it: tucked away along a ridge was a cave opening that looked big enough for them both to walk through. They made their way toward it. Rey climbed up first, then reached down to help him join her. 

They both drew their lightsabers as they stood at the cave entrance. As far as he knew, there were no animals on the planet either, but he wasn't about to take the chance that he was misinformed.

The cave was empty, nothing but dust that looked like it hadn't been disturbed in centuries. 

"At least it's out of the wind," Rey said. Without their lightsabers it was dark, until she pulled out a small portable lamp from a pocket. It was too small to be much of a heat source, but in a few hours, anything might be better than nothing. 

"So now we wait." Ben sank down along one wall, grateful they at least had some of their winter gear. 

Rey stood awkwardly for a moment, until he patted the rock next to him. "Come on. We'll be warmer if we're next to each other."

She smiled faintly, but sat down. 

"I feel like this is my fault," he said. "I should have let you attack them when you wanted to the first time."

"We had no way of knowing they'd spotted us." She tilted her head back against the cave wall. "Do you suppose the same spirits that talked to us told them where we were?"

"That's… possible, actually." He made a frustrated growl. "I should have told you the first time I saw Darth Vader. We would have figured this out faster."

"I wasn't exactly forthcoming myself. I'm sorry I lied to you."

"I haven't done much to earn your trust. I don't blame you for doubting me." He was going to have to get used to people doubting him. That was going to be his future from here on out, no matter where he wound up. Dark Side or Light Side, it hardly seemed to matter anymore what the path was. He'd followed the Light because his family expected him to, then followed the Dark because he'd wanted to hurt them. 

That was a simplification, but it was true at the heart of it. He needed to find his own path, and he didn't have the faintest idea where to begin.

"Ben." Rey touched his arm carefully, as if she expected him to pull away. "I didn't really think you would hurt me. I was just afraid."

He covered her hand with his, not knowing what to say. 

As it started to get dark, they took turns pacing the length of the cave to keep warm and to stay awake. It wasn't bitterly cold back as far as they were into the mountain, but Rey was suffering. Even with all the winter gear she had, she shivered every so often. Ben shed one of his outer layers, a hooded coat. 

"Come here," he said. When she came over, he put the coat on her over her protests. It was ridiculously large, and she all but vanished when he pulled up the hood.

"But you'll freeze."

"I'm fine. You need it more than I do right now."

"All right, but if you get cold, tell me." She looked at him sternly from under the hood. "Promise."

He had to fight to hide a smile. "I promise." 

What if. What if he could go back with her, and his mother gave him a pardon. What if he could start training again. What if he really could be Ben Solo again, not just in Rey's eyes, but everyone's.

The urge to smile faded. _What if_ was a child's game. There was no undoing what he'd done, no taking it back, no explaining. He'd shut that door by betraying the Jedi. He'd locked it by killing his father. He was left with two choices. He could run from it or he could go back to his mother and face it, along with whatever punishment the New Republic—or what was left of it—gave him. 

He sat down against the wall again, and pulled himself into a tight ball. 

The night seemed endless, the two of them resorting to challenging each other to different forms and exercises just to stay awake and stay warm. The sky was turning a dull gray-pink when they heard the crackle of stormtrooper comms coming from outside the cave.

Silently, they rose to their feet as one, each drawing their lightsabers. They exchanged a glance—should they attack or hope to remain hidden?

Ben tilted his head toward the cave entrance, and they crept forward.


	5. Here in This Lonely Place

Rey wiped the sweat from her hands against her legs and re-gripped her lightsaber, still powered down. She and Ben moved along opposite walls of the cave, moving slowly toward the stormtroopers outside.

_-Wait for my signal, Rey. Let's see how many there are first._

She nodded. She didn't have to ask what his signal would be—she'd know it. There'd been no discussion about whether to hide or not; they'd acted on a silent consensus. If they stayed at the back of the cave and were found, they'd be trapped. This way they had more of a chance.

"It's hard to get a signal through all this rock, sir," one of the stormtroopers was saying. "But we may have a reading."

Ben held up a hand. Five fingers, then two. Seven stormtroopers. She nodded. Rey could hear them clearer now. They were passing below the ledge of their cave, maybe four meters down. She stopped to shrug out of Ben's oversized coat so she wouldn't get tangled in it, then nodded at him again.

Together they stepped to the ledge, ignited their lightsabers, then jumped down, landing in the middle of the enemy.

Surprise was on their side, and the first two stormtroopers went down fast. One of them got smart and took off running, leaving four more.

Rey didn't have to look to keep track of where Ben was. She just _knew_. She knew as sure as she knew where her lightsaber blade was and where it was going to strike next as the Force flowed through and around her. Although they'd only really faced one another in combat once, they were in sync with each other in a way seasoned veterans would have envied. 

He was faster than she was, moving around her like a spinning top while she worked from the inside out. 

Two more stormtroopers down. Two left.

Rey's focus was almost entirely inward, and that was why she was a split second too late when she heard Ben shout, "Rey!"

As she brought her lightsaber down for a killing blow on stormtrooper number six, something burning hot struck her low and a little to the side, the force of it spinning her back. _What…_ the stormtrooper who'd run—he hadn't been running away. He was the only one smart enough to get out of lightsaber range but within blaster range.

He'd shot her.

She fell to her knees as the last stormtrooper, number seven, hit the ground in two pieces, and looked up in time to see the trooper who'd shot her drop his blaster and grab his throat. He flew forward, his feet dragging in the red dirt, until his neck slammed into Ben's grasp.

The crack that followed sent a chill down her spine, then Ben dropped the body, which flopped limply into the dirt. He was breathing hard, his face contorted. 

"Ben—" Was that her voice? It sounded so weak.

"Rey." His face shifted again, and he was _Ben_ again, crouching by her side and easing her onto the ground. "Shh shh, let me see." Pain flared as he moved her clothing and she winced. "Sorry. Hold still." He gave her a smile, stretched around the edges. "Oh, that's nothing. You're going to be fine." But when she tried to sit up to look, he gently held her down by one shoulder. "You don't need to see it."

"Hurts." She felt like her entire midsection was on fire.

"I know. I know it does, princess." He carefully re-covered her belly, but it still hurt.

"...not a princess." The pain was lessening. Maybe he was right about it not being that bad.

"Yeah, well, 'scavenger' sounds pretty rude right about now." He shoved his hair out of his face impatiently then looked back to her. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do. These guys left behind a perfectly good shuttle with at least a medkit. We're gonna go to it."

She laughed, but the sound was a puff of air. "That's… gotta be nearly ten klicks from here. At least."

"Then we better get going." He draped her arm around his neck. "Can you stand?"

"Dunno." He eased her to her feet. It hurt like hell, and when she looked down, she was surprised to see only minimal bleeding.

"It's, um," he made a face, "cauterized. Hooray for blasters."

"Hooray for blasters," she repeated wanly.

They took a few steps together. Every step burned through her, but with his help, she stayed on her feet.

"I'm so sorry," he was saying. "I tried to stop it. I was too slow."

"I stopped it."

"That's not funny, Rey."

She tried to grin up at him. "It's a little funny." Then she winced.

"Yeah, not really." They reached the first big hill in their path. "Hang on." He scooped her up in his arms and she sagged in relief. It still hurt, but at least she wasn't walking.

"You could just keep carrying me," she said, leaning her head against his shoulder.

He laughed, but the sound was strained as he tried to keep from jostling her. "I don't know if I can, not that far. You've put on a lot of muscle since the last time I did this."

"The last time. When did you ever—oh." It wasn't a memory of her own so much as something she'd glimpsed in his mind, an image of possessiveness and anger.

"Wait." He looked down at her. "Where's my coat?"

"Took it off before the fight." Rey closed her eyes. She was getting sleepy.

He was muttering something she didn't quite catch, then he kissed her forehead. "Okay, wait here. I have an idea."

"Not going anywhere." She kept her eyes closed while he lowered her to the ground, and the cold red dirt was absurdly comfortable, as if the cold was drawing away the heat from her belly. Maybe she should sit up and look at her wound while he wasn't here to stop her… she drifted off before she could finish the thought.

The next thing she was aware of was a dull, grating, dragging sound and a vibration under her feet. Her belly still burned, but it felt far away, almost like someone else was experiencing it. She opened her eyes to full daylight, no longer pre-dawn darkness. It took her several moments to orient herself; the landscape around her was moving _away_ , then she realized she was facing backwards. The coat that had kept her warm was stretched beneath her, hung between two—she looked closer—those were shock-staffs the stormtroopers had been carrying. Ben had cobbled together a makeshift travois and was dragging her across the Moraband landscape.

"Huh," she murmured.

Instantly, the travois stopped and Ben peered at her over the top. "You're awake. Everything okay?"

"Clever." Her tongue was thick in her mouth and it was hard to think. She started to reach a hand up toward him, but stopped with a grimace. "Ugh."

He grasped her hand and lowered it back down, squeezing it gently. "Shh. Just rest. We'll be to the shuttle soon."

The shuttle. She couldn't remember why it was important that they get there. Poe was coming, they didn't need the shuttle.

She shifted, trying to get more comfortable. It didn't work. Maybe if she closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, the terrain had smoothed out. This was familiar, why was it familiar? She saw the remains of their shelter. Oh. The valley. So they were halfway there.

There was something important she needed to do, what was it?

Someone was touching her shoulder. "Rey? There's not a lot of medical supplies here, but this should help the pain."

Her eyes fluttered open and the world had changed again. She was inside and it wasn't as cold. Above her was dull black metal. The shuttle. There was a small pinching pain, then the pain in her belly receded even further.

Ben was standing over her with a grim expression on his face, looking at her stomach. When he realized she was looking, he smiled. "Did that help?"

"It's better," she managed. 

"I'm not a medic, but I'm going to at least try to get you bandaged, all right?"

She wanted to tell him not to bother, that she knew what the look on his face meant. The cold and the weakness hovered at the edges of her consciousness, waiting to close in. But she nodded.

It hurt, oh how it _hurt_. She bit her lips to keep from crying out, but she couldn't control the tears that spilled from her eyes. 

"I'm sorry," he said afterward, and crawled onto the bunk with her, cradling her in his arms. She was dimly aware of him stroking her hair and wanted to tell him something, what was it?

"I'll get us to the clearing where Dameron is expecting us," he said. "Don't worry."

"You can't fly," she murmured.

"I can, just not as good as you." He kissed her forehead. "Don't worry, I won't crash us."

"Doesn't matter."

He went away again for a time, or maybe she did, and when she came back she was tucked under a blanket. 

"There you are." Ben looked so worried. "We're in the clearing now. We just have to hold on until Dameron gets here."

And then she remembered what she wanted to tell him. "You need to go."

"What?"

She reached for his hand, fighting for each word. "Before he gets here. Take the shuttle. Go." 

"Where do you want to go?"

"No, not me. You. I'll be dead before he gets here."

"Rey no." He thought it too, she could see it in the shadows of his eyes. "You're going to be fine."

"Ben, _listen_ to me." It was starting to hurt to talk. "You're right, they'll never let you go. You have to go now."

"But they'll never know what happened to you."

"Leave me then. I'll…" her pain-fogged brain struggled for logic, for words. "I'll record a message for them, right now. Leave it with me. I'll tell them what happened."

"You're not making any sense. Shh." His hands were on her face, brushing back her hair. "Neither of us is going anywhere."

She could feel his mind, though, feel the panic at being trapped. He wanted to run and she was telling him to; why wasn't he _listening_ to her?

"Don't be afraid." She turned her face toward the hand on her cheek. "It's all right. Just go. Be safe."

Colder now. She shivered, which triggered a spike of pain. 

His eyes were wet and she wanted to convince him everything was all right. "Promise me. Get away."

"I'm not promising that."

She felt him wavering though. She almost had him convinced. "Don't let them hurt you anymore." Rey smiled faintly. "That's my job."

"And I'm going to expect you to do it again as soon as you're better." He tucked the blanket up around her. 

"Ben," she chided. "Stop it."

Their gaze held silently. He looked away first. 

"Promise me."

He shook his head, his lips pressed tightly together.

Maybe he wouldn't say it, but she thought he was finally listening to her. She relaxed back into the bunk and stopped fighting the cold. 

Rey closed her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I'm sorry it's another cliffhanger. Resolution soon, I promise.


	6. Companion to Our Demons

Ben paced the length of his detention cell endlessly. It wasn't the same cell as on D'Qar, obviously, but it was close enough.

Days of waiting. _Days_. No contact with anyone except the guards who gave him food that he ignored. Rey had told him once that the Resistance didn't torture prisoners, but he was in hell.

_Rey_. He couldn't sense her anymore. He'd tried. She was out of his reach, one way or another. Maybe it was just physical distance. The alternative was unthinkable. 

She was still breathing when Poe Dameron arrived on Moraband, and loaded her onto a freighter that even had rudimentary medical facilities. He'd had to take Dameron to the remains of the stormtroopers, vague proof that he was telling the truth, that he hadn't hurt Rey. She didn't wake up the entire trip, but she was still breathing. When he saw her last, she was ghost-pale and terrifyingly still, floating on a gurney to the Resistance medicenter. He was put in binders and hauled away. 

Meditation eluded him, as did sleep. He tried, he honestly tried, but all he could do was pace. The anger was building in him, fed by fear, anxiety, worry. It would be so easy to give in to it. Surrender would be a relief.

It was tempting to test his guards, to see if they were made of stronger stuff than the last ones he'd had. To see if he could convince them to talk to him, at least. Give him some news, any news.

When the door to his cell slid open, he was about to do just that, until he saw his visitor. 

General Leia Organa looked so much older than when he'd seen her last, but the aura of power he remembered was stronger than ever. He stood up as she entered, his head bowed.

"Look at me." Her voice was carefully neutral. He didn't remember her being so small; she barely came up to his shoulder. In his memories she towered over him, larger than life. 

He obeyed. Her expression was as neutral as her voice. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting to see. Hatred. Anger. Not blankness. 

"Commander Dameron tells me he found you with a First Order shuttle fully equipped and fueled, and yet you came back with him. Why?"

"I wanted to make sure Rey was all right." It was the truth. Even if she'd died on the way, he couldn't let her die alone. Had she? Was that why his mother was here? To give him the news? _Please don't let her have been alone. Give me that much._

"You care about her." His mother had always been a blank wall when she wanted to be—between her raw ability with the Force and her natural politician's skill, if she didn't want someone to read her, there was nothing to be read. He hated it. Especially now.

"Yes, I do. Does that surprise you?"

"Do you expect me to say anything other than 'yes' to that?" Her arms were folded, the only tell she had, that he knew of. She was protecting herself, and maybe that was a hopeful sign.

"Not really. It came as a surprise to me too." He hated this, he hated that they always retreated behind the same masks. It had been this way for years, even before. He took the first step at taking his mask off. "Is she…?"

"Doctor Kalonia says she should be fine."

He let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding. His knees felt wobbly, and reached backwards blindly for his bunk, sinking down onto it. "She's all right? Really?"

"She should be awake soon." His mother's face hadn't softened at all, but he thought he saw something in her body language, her shoulders dropping a few millimeters, perhaps.

"Will I—can I see her?" Years of instinct screamed at him to shut up, to stay quiet, that he was showing far too much vulnerability and weakness. 

"The last time you got out of a cell you destroyed our base, so no."

"Actually, the last time I got out a cell, Rey and I escaped from a First Order star destroyer."

Aha, he'd surprised her. She raised an eyebrow. "You were in a First Order cell?"

Suddenly he was fourteen again, called on the carpet. His hand went up to tangle in his hair and he looked at her sheepishly. "I… punched a general. Several times."

"Nice to hear some things don't change," she said dryly.

Ben shrugged. "It had been coming for a long time."

"Ben—I'm sorry, am I supposed to call you that now?" She paused, then went on when he nodded. "I never stopped believing that there was still good in you. I still do. But now that you're here, in front of me—I can't—" She took a breath, and he could see her mentally straightening her mask. "You killed him. And I don't know what to do with that. It's hard to even look at you."

"I don't expect your forgiveness. If that helps." It was easier to talk with masks on. 

His mother was silent for several moments. "I'll see what I can do about getting you in to see Rey." She left without another word.

Rey was alive. She was going to be all right. Right then, everything else seemed like a manageable problem.

The next day, he had another visitor. 

It took all his self-control not to bristle when Poe Dameron stepped into his cell. Was he here for revenge? Ben wouldn't blame him, if so. He suspected there were a lot of people in the Resistance who wanted revenge on him.

"Finn wanted to come too, but he's not quite ready yet."

Finn, the traitor—well, he supposed he should stop thinking of the former FN-2187 that way, since he was a traitor now too. "That seems to be going around."

"Look. I don't have a lot to say to you, but I did want to say thanks. For helping Rey get back home. She told me you helped her escape."

Ben sat up straight. "She's awake?"

"No, she told me while you were still on Moraband. And… thanks for staying with her. I know you coulda taken off."

It was odd to be thanked for something like that. Did Dameron… were he and Rey… Rey would have said something if so, wouldn't she? "I would never hurt her."

The startled look Dameron gave him was enough. It was going to be a long time, if ever, before anyone took his actions at face value.

And honestly, how much courage had it taken for this man to come in here with him, after what Ben had done? Just to thank him. The magnitude of it was overwhelming. 

The silence grew overlong and awkward. "Commander…"

"Poe."

"Poe." Ben paused. What came next? _I'm sorry I tortured you_ sounded stupid. "I'm sorry—I regret—" He gave up with a sigh, and settled on. "Thank you for bringing me back here."

"You're welcome." Poe studied him intently. "You're not quite the kid I remember, but I don't think you're the guy in the mask anymore, either." It wasn't an acceptance of his attempted apology, but it was close enough. It was a start, for both of them.

Before he left, Poe said, "I hope they let you see Rey."

Ben should have expected the final visitor, should have found some way to prepare, but he didn't. Maybe on some level, he'd hoped that Luke had returned to whatever place of exile he'd found. Or that Luke hated him too much to come see him. Both were too much to hope for.

It was during the endless hours between the midday meal and dinner, and Ben was trying for the hundredth time that day to center his focus enough to meditate. This used to come so easy to him, why did he feel so lost now? He'd made his choices; the conflict was over.

"You're still too impatient with yourself," that familiar voice chided.

Ben startled. He hadn't heard the cell door open or anyone come in. He opened his eyes and saw his old teacher, his uncle, standing in the doorway. The years had not been terribly kind to Luke Skywalker, but he'd weathered like stone, still sturdy and strong, despite blunting of the edges.

"May I?" Luke gestured. When Ben nodded, Luke came and sat across from him on the floor with a fluidity that belied his age, only a faint creaking of his knees giving him away. "You're trying to chase your thoughts out instead of just letting them float by."

"How do you know that? Are you snooping?" It came out sharper than he'd intended.

Luke was unfazed. "No, I just know you. Try again."

"You're not my teacher anymore."

"No, but if anybody needed a little quiet in their mind right now it's you, so. Gonna try again, or are you going to sit here and sulk?"

Ben suspected, long ago, he was the only person who got to see past Luke's wise old Jedi front. He sighed. "I know, I know. Let it pass through me, unnoticed and ignored."

"Right. Close your eyes and try again."

It was easier that time, whether from Luke's words or because he was subtly influencing Ben's mind, Ben couldn't be sure. But the surface thoughts that had been keeping him so on edge slowly melted away. For the first time since winding up in this cell, his mind was an open, steady hum, and he was aware of everything. He sensed the busy humanity of the base outside his cell, and tried to send that awareness looking for something, any spark that was Rey. 

There was nothing. A sense of panic threatened. Had they all been lying to him? What if she really wasn't all right?

"Breathe," Luke said. "She's fine."

"Stop doing that."

"Stop being obvious."

Ben managed to get his thoughts back flowing in at least an orderly fashion, and before he realized it, Luke had gone and the guards were bringing in his dinner.

He managed to sleep that night for the first time in days.

Several days went by like that. Each afternoon he sat down again to meditate, and more often than not, Luke came in and joined him, sometimes without a word. As his focus returned, his meditation deepened, and old flashes of pain surfaced like lightning behind a cloud. Old childish fears that he thought he'd forgotten. Worrying about his mother, afraid his father would leave for good. Scared that the bad people who'd hurt them both would come back and no one would be able to stop them. The voice in his head had promised that would never happen, that he could learn to be strong enough to stop anything, even the Empire.

The irony, that as a child he'd been terrified of the Empire, was not lost on him.

He hated those days, feeling like a scared six year old again and trying to just let it wash over him. Those were the days that Luke stayed the longest, and said the least.

And then a week had gone by, and there was no more word about Rey.

#

Rey remembered almost nothing about the trip home. She remembered thinking she was going to die, so waking up at all was a surprise. She remembered, vaguely, telling Ben to leave her and escape. For the first day and a half of consciousness, she didn't know whether he had listened to her or not.

She only found out when she heard one of the nurses gossiping about a demonstration that took place outside of the new detention area. There was a sizable contingent of the Resistance demanding to know why they were keeping Kylo Ren on their base, given the destruction he'd caused the last time.

_Oh,_ Ben _. You self-destructive, guilt-ridden mess_.

There was guilt of her own to deal with. And she had way too much time on her hands. Doctor Kalonia said she was healing well, and all there was for her to do was wait. There was only so much time she could spend in a bacta tank, and only so much time they'd let her walk around.

If it weren't for Poe and Finn, she might have gone completely insane. Although they both had responsibilities, they visited her every day. Finn kept bringing her treats from the mess trying to get her to eat more, but strangely, once she was able to eat solid foods again, very little was appealing. Poe usually came with Finn, but one day he came by himself.

"I went to see him," Poe said.

"He can have visitors?" Rey sat up in her bed. "Why won't they let me—"

Poe eased her back into the bed. "Doc says you're not up to it yet. I asked."

She sighed and lay back against the pillow. "How is he?"

"Look. I'm not even going to try and pretend I understand what's going on between you two. I know it's none of my business. But: I can see that he's changed, and it's obvious you had something to do with it."

"I didn't, not really."

Poe gave her a skeptical look, but didn't argue. "In any case, he made a pretty big sacrifice to make sure you came home safe, and I'm going to make sure anyone who'll listen to me knows that."

"How bad is it out there?"

"It's… pretty bad. Finn says they are extra guards on the detention unit, but it's more to keep people out."

"We lost a lot of people on D'Qar." Rey carefully studied her hands. "That's partly my fault too."

"Don't. None of that was your fault. No one blames you." Poe looked as if he were about to say something else, then stopped.

"What?"

"No one blames you, but some people have started to question why you kept going after him. The rumors that went around on D'Qar, about your visits to him…"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"You were about to ask. Yes, I was sleeping with him."

"Rey, I already said, that's not any of my business…"

"I know it's not, but Poe, I don't know who else to talk to about this. Luke probably suspects, and maybe the General does too, but… I don't know what this is."

Poe settled back in his chair, listening. She took that as permission to continue.

"I don't love him. At first I didn't even _like_ him that much. It just—happened. And then it kept happening."

"That happens," Poe said with a faint grin.

"Shut up," she said, but she grinned back. 

"I mean it, he's a good-looking guy, in an intense, brooding sort of way, if you like that kind of thing, and apparently you do."

"But now he's turned his back on what he was and he's… gotten himself locked up. To save me. And I—don't know what to do with that." Should she tell him? Would he understand? She went with a half-truth. "To top it all off, Luke says he and I are bonded together somehow by the Force, so it's like we're stuck with each other."

"What do you want, Rey? Forget the Force, forget Luke, forget K—Ben. What about _you_?"

"I don't know."

"Well, that's where you're going to find your answer. Figure that out, and the rest will fall into place." He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and stood. "You'll get there. For now, just get better."

Even after the medicenter released her, she was still stuck with her boredom. Luke made her go easy on her training, and other than that, she was pulled into endless debriefing sessions, where she went over what happened after her "capture" over and over again. They kept making her repeat her story and no doubt, the Resistance leadership knew she was leaving out details, but those details weren't for them. 

Some of the attitude on the base had changed toward her. Before, everyone was open and friendly and she was a little bit of a celebrity. That last was still true, but she saw an increase in people who looked away when she smiled, people who went out of their way to avoid encountering her. Conversations that stopped when she walked by. 

Luke told her all there was to do was wait it out. 

Waiting. She'd always been good at that. Every now and then she could sense Ben, and knew he could sense her, but they stayed out of each other's minds, by some unspoken agreement.

Finally, two weeks after the medicenter sent her home, she got the okay to visit the prisoner. A few stragglers lingered outside the detention area, sullen and angry. One of them glared at her as she went past. Another muttered something in a language she didn't understand. It didn't sound like a compliment.

The guards this time weren't fresh-faced recruits like Jaxon and Will had been. These men were ready for anything; they scared her a little. After they searched her, they let her into the cell without saying a word.

Ben was curled on his bunk looking at a datapad, but she didn't think he was reading it. There was too much tension in his body, his fingers twitching around the edges of the screen. After a few seconds, he looked up, as though he just realized she was there. She wasn't fooled. 

He'd lost weight; his cheekbones were much too gaunt. He unfolded himself from his bunk and stood, taking a few steps toward her. 

Rey wasn't sure what to expect. From either of them. 

"I wondered when you'd come," he finally said. 

"I wanted to sooner. They wouldn't let me."

"Luke told me."

"He's been visiting?"

"Almost every day."

There was a wall between them somehow. That was the last thing she expected. "Are you—are you being treated all right?"

He shrugged. "Well enough for being in prison. No one's tried to kill me yet, but I've heard it might just be a matter of time before someone tries."

Looking at his body language, feeling her way into his thoughts blocked, realization dawned. "You're angry with me."

"Hell yes, I'm angry with you." Only then did he meet her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I swear, I wanted to come sooner, you know that I couldn't—"

He shook his head. "After everything that happened, after everything we went through, you still thought I was capable of leaving you alone to die in some hellhole."

Rey blinked. "But I—no. It wasn't about that. I thought I was going to die no matter what. I didn't want you to get caught. I wanted you to be free."

He stalked toward her and it took a conscious decision for her not to step back. "Rey, I'm never going to be free. Not ever. Even if the government decides to let me go, even if someone out there with a need for vengeance doesn't kill me, I will still be the man who did all those things. I can't escape that, no matter where I go."

"But that wasn't really you, it was—" 

He put a finger on her lips. "No. Don't do that. That's the easy way out, to say 'oh it wasn't me, it was Kylo Ren.' _I was Kylo Ren_. Part of me will always be him and I can't ignore it."

Rey reached up and took his hand. "This isn't what I wanted for you."

"You wanted me dead not so long ago." Even as he said it though, he smiled a little. 

"People change."

"Yes, they do." 

Rey didn't have a response to that. They stood looking at each other in silence for what felt like hours. 

"I should—probably go," she finally said. She squeezed his hand and turned to go.

Ben didn't let go of her hand, and in fact, he pulled her back toward him. "Do you have to?"

"No, but… I didn't know if you wanted me here."

He rolled his eyes and kept pulling her close until he could put his arms around her. "You didn't know that I've missed you every single day? That my worst fear was that Luke or my mother would walk through that door and tell me that you hadn't made it after all?"

"But you were angry at me."

"And yes, I was angry at you too. That doesn't change how I feel about you."

She wasn't ready to hear that, not at all. 

Ben laughed at her and kissed her forehead. "Get that panicked look off your face. I'm not going to say it. Not unless you do first. And if you never do, well. You know anyway."

"You really have changed," she murmured. "Even since Moraband."

"I've had a lot of time to think. And meditate. Luke's help isn't _quite_ as enjoyable as yours, but…"

"Ew. If you're about to kiss me, don't mention him please."

"All right." Their eyes met and the moment grew a little more solemn before he did lean down to kiss her.

Even his kiss felt different somehow, as if some of the pain and hatred that had driven him for so long had been drained away, leaving him warmer, more careful. 

"Wait." She broke the kiss, backing away suddenly. "The surveillance, I didn't turn it off."

"There isn't any. They're not monitoring me this time. My mother made them stop. So come here."

Rey shook her head, fighting to hide the grin that tried to form on her lips, and she beckoned him closer. She looked him in the eye to see his reaction. "Get on your knees."

The sharp intake of his breath and the fire that lit behind his eyes told her everything she needed to know. He obeyed, kneeling in front of her. She leaned over to kiss him, trying her best to take it slow, but his hands slid up the backs of her thighs and the fire in her flared fast and hot. Rather than reprimand him, she tangled her hands in his hair and kissed him harder. Ben broke away from her mouth and pulled her down to straddle him, his mouth finding the oversensitive spots of her neck and ear.

Rey tilted her head back and let him kiss and bite them both breathless before pushing him onto his back and following him down. 

"Rey, hold on. Your injury, are you—"

"I'm fine, shut up." She made him stop talking with a kiss, reaching between them to slide her hands up under his shirt

"I have—" he said between kisses "—a perfectly good—bed."

"More room here." She pinned his arms down to the floor and listened to him groan. It was a small mental effort to be able to take away her hands and keep him pinned while she ran her hands up and down the length of his body. 

"Rey—"

She knew what he was going to say and teased him with the bite of her fingernails running down his chest. "I will, but you have to wait." The scratching was enough to make him squirm. She stretched her body out on his, savoring the feel of him moving beneath her. It was a sort of torture for her as well, knowing they both wanted more and still trying to not let this end too fast.

The pressure of their clothing was too much. Leaving him pinned to the floor, she stood over him and started to undress. His dark eyes burned into her as if he could touch her newly bared skin with just the force of his gaze. Except of course, he wasn't limited to just his gaze. She felt the phantom touches following along her skin as the last of her clothing fell away. 

"You know, I pinned your hands for a reason," she teased. 

"I can't really feel you this way, it still counts."

"Just can't follow the rules, can you." Even if he couldn't feel it, she could and he was quickly making her forget that she'd wanted to go slow.

"If you didn't know that by _now_ …" 

She knelt beside him and started undressing him, mimicking his touches on her body with her physical fingers. "I thought you were reformed."

"Not where you're concerned. Not ever there." 

Once he was undressed she sprawled on him again, letting his skin warm hers. He was erect and nudging at her thigh, but she wasn't ready for him, not yet. She released one of his hands and murmured, before kissing him, "Touch me for real."

She bit at his neck as his hand stroked her breasts, sank her fingernails into his shoulder as he moaned and finally, finally his hand went where she needed it desperately, sliding between her thighs, his long fingers teasing her until she wanted to scream.

They kissed and his tongue followed the same thrusts and flicks as his fingers until she couldn't stand it anymore. She moved his hand, folding her fingers around his as she took him deep enough to make him gasp. She loved this illusion of control, the game they both played, and the understanding now that it wasn't born of hate or anger, not for either of them. 

He said he wouldn't say the words until she did, but he didn't need to, not the way his eyes were on hers. It was terrifying and she kissed him so she could stop seeing him. Even so, their bodies spoke for them, moving together with same unity with which they'd fought. She knew what he needed almost before he did, and he did the same for her. 

She kept giving him little bites and pinches and scratches, just flashes of the pain he enjoyed. Enough to keep him on the edge until they pushed each other over it with soft cries and moans. Finally they collapsed together in a heap on the floor. Rey got cold, so she dragged the blanket off his bunk and pulled it over them. 

"I still haven't forgotten the belt," he murmured, pressing his lips to her hair. "Or the knife."

Rey laughed. "The guards do search me, you know."

"Didn't stop you before." She'd freed his hands, and they rested warm in the small of her back.

"We'll see what I can do."

"Oh, I've seen what you can do," Ben leered at her until she laughed at him again. 

"What happens now?" she finally asked. 

"I don't know. I suppose that depends on if they ever let me go. Until then, I guess I get to enjoy being your captive."

Rey leaned up and kissed him before resting her head on his shoulder. "I better make sure to keep you entertained then."

Maybe it wouldn't be the most conventional of relationships, if he stayed in a cell, but then, it never had been conventional to start with.

And she might not be ready to call this love, but she knew she could call him hers. And that was enough for now.


End file.
